I mentioned previously what I do for a living. I also mentioned that I loved it….most days. Today is not one of them. Maybe it’s the atmosphere today, it just seems off. Maybe it’s because the boy pulled one of this notorious talk-to-me-like-I’m-a-ten-year-old speeches(short though it may have been). Maybe it’s because I know that even though I do a great job here, my boss sees me as completely disposable, which in turn makes me feel like crap. Then why do I try so hard to win his approval? Boy, that’s fucked up, huh?

Going back to the beginning, is it possible to have withdrawls from a human? I have been spending 85% of my free time with the boy since February-ish. I know his moods and his inflections like they are my own. I know that when he says those things that make me feel like a bug, he doesn’t do it on purpose or maliciously. It’s just that I hate feeling stupid, especially with someone I care so much about. Here’s something else that kinda bugs me. He sent me a link to a video today I didn’t get time to watch it until a little while ago. I’m in my cynical phase right now. I’m unloved and have no one to cuddle up with or anyone that wants to cuddle with me so now I’m depressed and think all this romance stuff is a crock of shit. So a few minutes ago I watched the video. I think it’s fucking ironic that he would sent me that. Of all the songs in that god-damned movie, he sends me THAT one? Seriously? Am I seriously watching this? Of course the teenage girl part of me thinks that maybe it’s a fucking message. A secret message of love that says how much I mean to him. But the adult in me says, get fucking real! Men are lame asses that care about nothing but money and sex. I listen to it every day. Days before my boss’ wedding, he was spouting off about how much he hated his fiance and that she was a dog! The only man I see that treats women with respect and love is my father. OH how I long to find someone who adores me like my dad adores my mom. He’s just not there. Ever have that feeling that you just KNOW. Well, as depressing as it sounds…. yup.

On a side note…. the boy is starved for loving affection. He won’t admit it but I can tell by the way he comes to me sometimes. The thing that sucks is that I’m starved too. I want so bad to just fall into a couch or a bed and just be held. Some part of me sees this as a weakness and therefore suppresses it. I know, Healthy, right? I’ll get into my neurosis later. But the point to this is we have the same feelings but we are too scared or what not to express it. We are both terrified of rejection, him more than me for better reasons.

Here at work we are gearing up for a big trade show. I kinda like organising them, but it sucks when my input means nothing. I think of these really good ideas that would help promote the company, and they all get shot down… even the FREE ones! My co-workers don’t seem to care, I’m not asking them to be my best friend but to respect my space and respect what makes me comfortable. Maybe the mistake is respecting their spaces. I was brought up to believe that you should respect people, everywhere. Maybe I’m defective that I never learned that bitch gene. I have learned to be a little assertive here. So I guess I have learned something. I’m looking for other opportunities. One of the things that kinda weighs on my mind, what if this company does get big…. and I had my chance and threw it away….

Oh, I SO want to belong and feel safe.

Live Long and Prosper.

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