Okay… so, I’m still dealing. Trying to detach myself. Giving myself pep talks and trying to point out all the things that are better without him. I feel like such a whiney teenager, but I finally put all my thoughts down on paper the other night. I had to… I needed to see them written down. I’m gonna try to organize these thoughts, exposing myself to God and the world. Most of these thoughts are things I’ve dealt with before. As I re-read over them, I see a lot of parallels to other relationships. So, I guess this will be an open letter of frustrations and angst. Mind you, readers, my red gooey insides are showing here…. if you don’t have anything nice to say, PLEASE don’t say it! I’m not gonna kick you while YOU’RE down.

“I deleted your number, your myspace, and your email in an attempt to forget and give myself strength in those weak moments of loneliness or drunken dispair. Unfortunatly, I inadvertantly memorized your email, much to my dismay. I suppose if I really needed to I could contact you, I could. But nothing I have will ever be that important to you.

“I was blind….maybe not blind, but denial… I think that’s a better word. Deep denial. I enjoyed your company, your passion, the calm and nervousness I felt when I was with you. I liked the laughter and the conversations, forced though most of them were…. I liked hearing you say that you were proud of me and that I meant something to you. I wanted to believe them too… I really tried to, but they lacked something. Not sure if “meaning” is the right word… maybe “passion”. You asked me to “open up” and let go inhibitions. I wonder if you realize that the reason I didn’t was because deep down I knew, I knew that to you it was nothing more than another thing to conquer and move on… something to beat, to master like a video game or Windows Vista.

“I see now that you took me for granted. You never really saw me after a while. All you saw was the comfort. I guess I knew it. I also knew that there was no use in bringing it up or arguing about it. I guess that’s the thing that hurts the most. The fact that I cared deeply for you and at the end, I was nothing but an object, a teddy bear of sorts. Something that didn’t really ask much from you, but something that was always there.

“Most of all, if it even matters, I want you to know that you were loved. I believed in you, cheered for you, supported you, and defended you. and I miss you more than I can express.”