I have a blog in my myspace life. I write in it quite frequently, but it hinges on events in my life, not unlike most bloggers, and I may go for a while without writing… But recently, some things in my life have caused me to self reflect on my being. Which isn’t always a good thing, but I feel that this self reflection is healthy. The following is something that I wrote this morning in myspace world. I know that you don’t understand what has happened but you might appreciate the self actualization… who knows. Sometimes I’m surprised that people actually find me interesting. Here goes….

In light of recent events, I have been reflecting on my relationships with people in my life. I’ve been thinking about my romantic relationships….or lack thereof. Today my thoughts turned to my fears. I have always known that I was scared, but I wasn’t sure what those fears were and I was perfectly contented to not know, as I fear self reflection almost as much as those fears. Most of my relationships have been long distance and I was perfectly contented for them to remain that way. I mostly thought it was because I am not a touchy-feely type of person and staying distant allowed me to stay that way. It also allowed me to stay independant. No one following my every move. I was allowed to go where I wanted and do what I wanted…. to a certain extent. I was ALWAYS faithful. In recent months of dating, I freak out at the first sign of the relationship taking a serious turn or if I feel that he likes me a little too much, I will break it off somehow. At first I thought that I did this because I didn’t think that they would like who I was. But today…. my thoughts fell upon something that makes much more sense. I am afraid that I will lose myself in a relationship. I am NOT willing to do that. I am afraid that whom ever I enter a relationship with will be threatened by who I am and A) leave me or B) give me an ultimatum to change. So, here I sit…”HI! My name is Jane, and I am a commitaphobic.” I don’t know where these insecurities come from. I grew up in a loving home with caring and supportive parents. My childhood was pretty smooth, with the exception of all the normal growing up turbulance. Where did this come from? What events in my life have cause such fear and insecurity? I don’t like this self reflection, but I know that it must be done at some point in my life. Either now, or down the road at $175 an hour. It makes me uncomfortable. I know you all are thinking that I shouldn’t change myself for a relationship. I know this. And I don’t think I could change myself completely. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that relationships require cooperation, and I am willing to do that. But if those compromises mean that I must lose friends and change me then those are compromises that I am not willing to make. I wouldn’t ask that of my partner.

Funny the events that cause self reflection and push one to the edge of depression. I’ve lost my appeitite, I’m completely drained, and trying to push back the walls of depression that are slowing closing in.

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